Filled with repeating words. Endlessly and daily the same words and phrases. Why?
We stopped using the word, stupid, in our household when our daughter was little. We didn’t want her to grow up believing she was stupid. She would call herself, stupid. “That was stupid of me.” I don’t know where she picked it up from, frankly, she started after beginning school. It’s something kids say. It’s something kids hear when their parents do something dumb.
Except as an adult I know what I mean when I’m calling my action or behaviour as stupid or dumb. I know it is one small instant in my entire life. I know I am not stupid or dumb; however, I can do stupid/dumb stuff, sometimes.
A child is learning. A child sees and hears with no in-between meanings. A child thinks, this or that.
I’m still a child in many ways. I carry with me those words I heard when I had self-doubt. I carry those words I told myself and believed. I am, partially, a living result of my child, teen, young adult self. This isn’t to blame or say those around me did not support me or believe in me or said these words.
My mental chemistry. My mental and emotional make-up. ME. I took simple words, phrases, experiences and weaved them inside the only way I was able to. It was never anyone’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was who I was. Who I learned I was.
And once I learned this about myself I was able to change. To grow. To embrace that part of me and tell myself…it’s okay, you didn’t know, but now that you do we will become stronger and live braver.
This is why my notebooks; my journals are filled with repeated words and phrases. These are my daily affirmations and mantras. These are my reminders of what I know inside. What I am striving to show on the outside. It’s taken me a long while to reach this time in my life and I’m not going to stop myself now. Because I have become stronger, braver, and confident.
My hope is that whomever reads these words in the future, yes, after I’m gone, they will gain something. Whether they will see themselves or understand me, more. These words, phrases, thoughts, I write for myself. I allow myself to be seen writing them.
Be the voice you need to hear.
