This Week’s Pondering

August 9, 2022

No matter what, life will bring interruptions and interruptions will upset your plans, mood, and anything else possible. Today, I was interrupted during my meditation time and it was like someone had turned the water off with shampoo still in my hair. It was a cut to everything peaceful that had just been happening and now I had no way to pull it back…great dream, bang the cat jumps on you and you are so shocked awake you can’t remember the dream or get the feeling back. Yup, life happens and sometimes that “life” is us.

August 2, 2022

Beginning of August and the only reason it seems short is the scheduled in calendar…that and the memes telling me how few weekends there are till Christmas…oh, and the Halloween decorations that have popped up in stores. Really, can we stop rushing and just enjoy today. Enjoy your-today.

July 26, 2022

Growing up and into Motherhood and daughter’s school years, I disliked the last week of July. It was the anxiety countdown to the end of summer and the back to rigid scheduled school. I hadn’t learned the lesson to not worry about what hasn’t happened; don’t let that worry steal your now, your present. Daughter’s in university and I might just now getting the idea of this lesson to sink in.

July 19, 2022

There’s truth in…everything in its own time. The more I take the time to think on what I want to accomplish, on what I already know but haven’t played attention to, well, the more it finally clicks in…or that my mind clues in, finally. That little voice we all have is sometimes on our side more than we realize.

July 12, 2022

At times I am late, behind, but I refuse to give up or stop.

July 5, 2022

Morning, Have you ever woken up so early you wonder why you even went to bed? I’ve been awake since 3am, but finally started my day closer to 4:30am…there’s a nap calling me later today and I’ll answer that call.

June 28, 2022

Last Tuesday of the month and summer is officially here. Remember who you are and who you want to be and keep being you.

June 21, 2022

Some days will not start how you wish. The solution is don’t give up on them.

June 14, 2022

Sometimes I surprise myself, but then I wonder why it surprises me. I am everything I want in me and that includes my foibles.

June, 7, 2022

I dislike the words: habit and routine. They feel too blah and cumbersome. They feel like something I have to do, am required to do. I’m living. This is how my life moves through the day. It’s more than what I do, it’s who I am and want to be

May 31, 2022

There will be chapters of your life that will close without closure. These are times you need to release and move beyond.

May 24, 2022

I started this website and blog after leaving the hospital…which happened 4 years ago tomorrow. I wanted a way to remember what I learned while confined to a bed. Life is wonderful. It’s ours to live…which sounds obvious, but how many times do we forget this simple reality. Enjoy your day. Have fun. Remember who you want to be and be.

May 17, 2022

Today is one of those days that plays on my patience and ability to remain claim. It’s taking every little bit of energy not to give into my anger. Breathe and Release

May 10, 2022

Appearances. We set great safety in how we look. We don’t want anyone to look at us as different. Facial shingles have changed that for me and I’m actually okay. How do you stand out?

May 3, 2022

Considering I have backdated a few updates, blog entries, even this question…if you could go back and change something, anything, would you?

February 9, 2022

I am at my best when I take the time for my journal routine. I cannot afford to miss this time. It sets me up for a stronger day.

February 2, 2022

Hi. Thinking on a few website/social media things…comment sections and hashtags specifically. One of my new daily journal notebooks is about Connections, hence trying to figure out how to connect more with those who stop by and visit. Thinking maybe #lbu or #lifebecomesunderstanding (kinda long) or #MuseChrisChatLBU (long as well) #MCCLBU (this just looks strange – #MccLbu, still strange). Maybe I’m just overthinking, again.

January 18, 2002

I haven’t been giving my sites enough time, which means I haven’t made time for myself and what keeps me balanced. I’m now back to the learning curve of how my own site works, please be patient with me as I fumble some more.

I’m not sure what you will find here because I’m not sure what I’m looking to discovery myself. I am sure that the older I become the more I know, I don’t really know much more than I did last year or the year before; however, somehow I know more about everything than I did before.

Talk soon.

Chris

Where I’ve been on my journey to here

Below was written while I was in the hospital, I believe, it’s been nearly a year since I walked out. Today’s May 23 2019 and there’s more to tell of my story, but that’ll come a bit later…

Fighting for my life. Lymphoma to be exact. Relearning to use my legs…and toilet. Hey, never say I’m not blunt and open.

The summer of 2017. Thought burning heat at groin joints, back of neck, hands and feet were strange menopause symptoms.

September 11, 2017. Doctor visit and blood work…menopause or something else. I know my family doctor (and me) knew it was going to be cancer. Why not. It’s not like I’m invincible or special to avoid something that is so common. I’m just lucky it turned out to be something “they” believe can be cured. I’m looking for remission, maintenance, living with it. Cure? I’ll take it, but call me too realistic to hang onto that one simple word.

So, I’m restarting everything. Working from my hospital bed to keep the mind and fingers moving. Tomorrow, I should be starting round three of six chemo treatments. The rest of the week could be hellish, but I need to keep concentrating on therapy to move and eating. The close to hundred pounds I’ve lost isn’t what I ever looked for.

The hair loss…I’ll rock it when I acknowledge it.

What has me nervous is about two weeks after round three I’ll  have another CT-scan in order to see if the spots on liver and spleen have either shrunk, shrinking, or gone.

What’s it like fighting cancer? Not much different than any other day except for being more tried, loss of appetite, not free to move as one wishes. It’s life and I’m being taught to use all the colours in my crayon box. To look around and open my eyes that too much time has already gone by with us saying…let’s do this, that, the other thing…and end up not doing any of it. There will always be something going on, but when you’ve been forced to be quiet and still you quickly learn the something is nothing.

How did I end up here?  On way to a normal clinic visit I stepped down the stair landing and my legs said…nope. They just collapsed under me…moments after I had just walked to the stairs.

Ambulance ride here and up to a ward and first round of chemo.

Wild ride of a dream that was no dream. Why was the one nurse telling me to stay in bed? Wacky dream. Oh crap. I really am upside down on the floor beside bed, bare butt in the air, legs dangling, and catheter showing for the world to see.

No dream. I did it twice. Woke up in panic with second. Don’t remember trip to new area but no more of that drug. People pay to feel that out of themselves? Freaked me out.

Then pneumonia either following or followed by low oxygen. Did you know our oxygen levels should be 93% for our body to function healthily? Down to ICU…not the one my dad died in years ago, but one for us critical patients who need more oxygen than the other area is allowed to handle. At one point I was breathing on my own but with 80% added by machine. Six days later I’m back “upstairs” breathing all on my own.

Now I wait for round three.

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